Thoughts before bed....

As I lay here in bed having just watched the ABC special about Randy
Pausch (sp?) and his 'The Last Lecture', I'm thinking a bit. The more
time I spend alone (and it's a lot anymore) the more I wonder why I'm
alone.
I'm selfish. I put myself before others a lot of the time. Am I a nice
guy? I think so. Usually. I try to be. Does being selfish make me a
bad person? Sometimes I wonder. I've done some bad things - very bad
things - due to selfishness.
I'm egotistical. I love the attention that I get from people talking
about my weight loss. I crave that attention. I crave attention in
general. My ego has been a big part of my losing weight, though.
I believe in karma. I put myself first so much that it's no wonder
that I'm single. It's no wonder that I have just a few friends. I'm
not even sure how those friends can stand to be around me sometimes. I
spend so much time alone, I think, because people don't find me fun to
be around a lot of times. Karma has me by the cohones these days.
I used to say all the time how I'd never get married because my
parents' marriage was so bad. The older I get, the more I'm kind of
second-guessing that. Did they have a bad marriage? Ooh yeah.
Sometimes I feel my biological clock is ticking. Most days I wish I
had someone close to me to share my recent successes with and to talk
about my other recent frustrations with. Sometimes I don't want to be
selfish. Sometimes I want to put others first and not myself.
It's funny that as much weight as I've lost, this is the longest I've
been single in quite some time. As good as I feel about myself
physically some days, I must be putting out a negative vibe.
Back to karma: You get back what you put out. I've put out a lot of
bad, though I really am well-intentioned and don't mean to hurt
people. Sometimes I don't know how to get past myself and my feelings
for the good of others.

Sorry.

In the past, this would probably be a burger and fries and huge pop
and then ice cream later. Today it's words and thoughts and feelings.
And ego. And selfishness. And loneliness. And karma.
Until I change my output, I'll keep getting the same input.
Here's to trying to make a change.

Goodnight.

Sent from my iPhone