Dear diary....

This is pretty much the only vessel (searching for a better word but
can't find it) I have to get my feelings and thoughts out.
I hate to continue to harp on my feelings as of late. They're so
negative and sad. I feel empty. I feel lost. I feel no sense of
belonging whatsoever. I feel there's no light burning from within. I
feel like a campfire left to burn out on its own after everyone left.
My fire has quit burning because there's nobody left to fuel it.
I get around groups of old friends now and feel no sense of belonging.
I don't engage anyone and nobody engages me. I don't feel a part of
anything anymore. I've been trying to put my best foot forward lately
and have been trying hard to be in a better mood around people. We
went out after the show tonite. When I got there, I was left to sit at
the end of the table by myself behind everyone else. It just seemed
like how I was feeling was playing out before me, physically. Joe &
Jolene showed up and sat near me. I tried engaging them a few times,
but they were busy talking and snuggling so I just sat there until I
finished my 1 beer. I couldn't afford that single beer, but I thought
I'd go anyway to try and feel a part of the cast. Instead, I was
placed on the sidelines to watch.
Maybe people just feel a vibe coming off of me...pharamones, maybe,
that tell them to stay away from me.
When I try to speak, I either get interrupted or nobody pays any
attention and I feel like an idiot.
On the occasional trip to Billy Joe's for karaoke, I sit alone. There
once was a time where I'd invite a friend or meet some people there
and we'd hang out. Now when I invite people either nobody responds or
they don't want to hang out. I'm left to be the loner sitting by
himself drinking a few beers and watching people have fun while I do
my thing. I've tried staying home & watching tv instead of going out,
but then I feel more lonely. At least there are others at the bar so I
feel less lonely by proxy.
What is there to do on a weekend alone? I honestly feel abandoned
these days. This isn't some plea for sympathy or something from those
few that read this. This is me just trying to get in touch with my
feelings. To actually see what it is that I'm feeling and to try and
work thru it. I'm not sure how to do that. I don't have the tools to
work thru what I'm feeling.
This isn't about being single. I prefer being single after my last few
relationships. I don't necessarily feel alone because I'm not in a
relationship. I feel alone because there's nobody around me. It's a
vicious cycle. One that I don't know how to break. I'm like a stray
dog taking a break from his journey to chase his tail because it's the
only thing to do other than continue along alone. Wow. Horrible analogy.
Why do people I once hung out with no longer want to be around me?
Have I changed or have they? Seemingly, I have. By sheer numbers, all
of those people can't have changed, so it must be me.
Maybe this is my fate. Maybe this is all for some reason I'm yet to
discover. When people say they're on a journey to find themselves,
what do they mean? How does one find themselves? I've no flashlight,
and it's so dark here in my room. The only light is coming from my
alarm clock which ticks away the number of minutes I'm alone. Like a
prisoner marking the number of days in their cell. The other light is
coming from my phone. The phone that doesn't ring anymore. I call out
only to hear nothing coming back but my own voice leaving a message on
someone's voicemail. I reach out and touch someone with a text message
waiting for them to send one back but I'm left staring at the light of
my phone listening to the cricket in the basement. It's kind of funny
when you think about it: like a comedian telling a joke and you hear
nothing but a cricket chirping. Just call me cricket.
How does one make new friends when the old ones don't want you around
anymore? Where do people go when they're alone?
I need mental stimulation outside of work. I don't really talk to
anyone anymore because there's nobody to talk to. Nobody that wants to
listen.
After the show Friday night I went downtown to spraychalk the streets
so people at the farmers market would see the advertisements as they
walked along. Me & BK decided to hit Dos Rios for a small bite to eat.
I talked to the cute waitress a bit. Left her my # on the check when I
left. She texted me today. I asked who it was and she told me. I asked
her some small talk questions but got very short replied of 1 or few
short words. Finally asked if she was single and the reply was 'Nope'.
Asked her what made her decide to text me and got no response. Why
would you text someone that you apparently don't want to talk to? Weird.
Time to quit counting the words and minutes and drift off to sleep
only to try and make tomorrow better and less socially-awkward.
"I'm a loner, Dottie, a rebel."

Sent from my iPhone