I was going thru a rough patch for a while where I was questioning my identity in light of all the weight I lost. I didn't know who I was anymore, etc. My identity had been wrapped up in my weight for sooo long because I had always been overweight. Losing my weight would be like someone losing a limb: it changes who you are to a degree.
I was also in a sad, depressed mood for quite a while. I took a promotion at work that just wasn't right for me. I couldn't handle the stress. I'm high strung as it is, and that just sent me over the top. I had a sort of break down. I went to the doctor as well as a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I was diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) as well as a general anxiety disorder and depression.
Years ago, I had been on Zoloft for depression. The psychiatrist put me on Zoloft again recently for depression and OCD as well as Clonazepam for my anxiety. It's been a world of difference. That and I'm back to my old position at work at my old desk. That helped tremendously with the anxiety.
I saw the psychologist a couple of times. We talked about some of the stuff. Mostly I talked and he was an impartial party to just listen to me. I think we all could use someone to just listen to us. I talked through the things and am working through them. I've come to realize that when it comes to fight or flight, I'm a flight person. When the going gets tough, I get going. There's not necessarily anything wrong with that. It's who I am. I need to work on that through small steps, to not always do that.
I think I'm learning who I am just by being me. This weight loss thing has become so much a part of my life that I'm making it a part of my personality, I think. By answering the ad for the job at Anytime Fitness, I opened myself up to something new. I didn't think that they'd want me training people with not being a certified trainer, but they saw in me what I know is in me: someone who can motivate other people to lose weight the way I did: through hard work.
Just like when I took that improv class a few years ago. I was shy, but funny. That improv class led to me auditioning for an improv troupe which led to me being cast in an improv troupe. That led to me being asked to join a sketch troupe. I also started doing plays. Then I started doing short films. It just snowballed. Door after door kept opening for me.
Maybe the same will happen with this fitness thing. Who knows? I've been doing speaking engagements. I got a job as a personal fitness consultant. What next? Who knows?
When we shot our film for the National Film Challenge a couple of weeks ago, my spirits couldn't have been higher throughout the whole weekend. In recent films, I was a drag. I was hard to be around. I was grumpy. I was difficult. I was whiny. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I was depressed. This film was completely different. I was happy. I wasn't complaining or whining or sulking. I was back to being me. I was happy and goofy and having a good time. That's me. That's who I am. Kimberly, my friend Andrew's girlfriend (and my friend) came to me when we were shooting the film and said that she was proud of me for going to the doctor and getting help. She noticed how much better of a mood I was in. Thank god for good friends who stick by your side and see you through those bad times until you come out on the other side. Thanks guys! :-)
I have a couple of 'dates' this weekend. Both people saw me when I was being myself and having a good time. Happy go lucky. In a good mood being me. People see that and want to be around people like that. I want to be around people like that and I want to be around me. I like me.
Thank god for those friends who stuck around me when I was in those bad moods. It was hard to do, I'm sure!
Oh yeah....check out our latest film 'Tempted' at www.arizonainkstudios.com!
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